I tried some amazing coleslaw last weekend. It was a store bought coleslaw and it was just the right amount of carrots, cabbage, mayo and something extra that made it a tiny bit sweet (I won't pretend to know what all the ingredients in coleslaw are because I am not a coleslaw officanado). I enjoyed it so much that I decided to order it on my next grocery delivery. For those of you reading this blog that may not be familiar with grocery delivery, it is this amazing gift from God that manages to save a mom's wallet and sanity all at the same time! Every major grocery store here offers a delivery service. I have tried out three grocery store's delivery service and they have all been pretty good. I very rarely go to the store anymore and if I do it is just for a handful of things that I need before my next order is delivered. Any mom will tell you that it can be quite a hassle to get grocery shopping done with your rugrats in tow. Now that Gabby is in school during the week, I could grocery shop with just Penny and that may APPEAR like an easy venture. Let me assure you, it is not. Miss Penelope is very opinionated and has a hard time waiting for things. For instance, if I need to buy some more bananas, she will have a complete meltdown once she spots them in the cart and not in her mouth. Trying to reason with an almost 2 year old is a waste of time in this scenario.
Side note here - I have yet to come across an English child that is louder than mine in a grocery store. I do realize that a stereotype of Americans here in England is that we are LOUD, but I did not think that would carry over into the toddler age. All toddlers are loud, are they not?
Anyway, back to the grocery shopping. When I do need to stop at the store, I usually put Penny on my back in our Ergo carrier and get a cart with a seat in preparation for the inevitable moment when she starts yelling in my ear that she wants out. If I am lucky I can make it past the fresh produce section, possible the meat aisle as well, before I have to get her out and transfer her to the cart. Then she is preoccupied in the cart, or trolley for you English blokes, with the seat clip for a few minutes until she wants nothing further to do with what she has decided is a death trap on wheels and I then have to put her back in the carrier, where she fusses for a minute before settling again. This whole sequence of events is what happens during a typical grocery shopping adventure. If I have forgotten the carrier, then I may as well tape a sign to my back that says, "I am sorry for disrupting your peaceful grocery experience" and put on extra deodorant. I sweat a lot in certain stressful situations like trying to keep my child from pulling every item off the shelf from 2 feet and below all while ensuring we don't run into someone's trolley. The trolleys are harder to maneuver here because the wheels spin in all directions and, as Ryan tells me ,I am not the best driver!
So you can see why I am a huge fan of grocery delivery. I just get on my Ipad App and order, book a time for it to arrive, and pay. Done!
I started this post talking about some amazing coleslaw I had last weekend and how I ordered some more to try. I am sure you want to hear how that went. You are sitting on the edge of your seats, the suspense is killing you! Well it sucked. But you know what? I got a second brand to try so I have that to look forward to. My life is so exciting. I should mention I am sick and cannot get out and explore all that my surroundings have to offer. I mean who in their right mind would be inside trying sub-par coleslaw and writing a blog post about it when they could be getting together with some new mum friends or exploring a castle or some other ancient ruin. Just sayin'.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Imperfect Perfection
I am swimming in a pile of dirty laundry, hungry mouths to feed, and daily minutiae
and my heart feels like it might literally tear in half most days
no one warns you of the degree of actual PHYSICAL pain you can feel from emotions
because I love where I am and appreciate the blessings I've been given
but in feeling tremendous joy it only deepens the sorrow
sorrow and homesickness for not exactly a location but people
they had become my home and now I feel displaced
a refugee in my own existence
ironic that becoming an expatriate of a country also alienates you from part of your heart
a heart that feels broken with no true repair because I will always love and miss and cherish you
the happiest days, the happiest moments, laced with a deep pain, like a toxic treat
that demands savouring but leaves me emotionally exhausted
a person can be grateful for what they have and still acknowledge the not so perfect reality that one lives in
I can be appreciative of the day to day blessings, soak in the experience
and still feel the breathtakingly massive feelings that comes from knowing my heart will always be split across the world
never quite whole again.
So if I choose snuggles with my girls over cleaning, it might not be because I am lazy
consider, perhaps, the imperfect reality
I am trying to hold on to something, someone, who loves me just in that simple moment
without the makeup, without the facade
someone to hold on to so I know that the entire world is not spinning topsy turvy
like the depth of emotions inside my soul
and my heart feels like it might literally tear in half most days
no one warns you of the degree of actual PHYSICAL pain you can feel from emotions
because I love where I am and appreciate the blessings I've been given
but in feeling tremendous joy it only deepens the sorrow
sorrow and homesickness for not exactly a location but people
they had become my home and now I feel displaced
a refugee in my own existence
ironic that becoming an expatriate of a country also alienates you from part of your heart
a heart that feels broken with no true repair because I will always love and miss and cherish you
the happiest days, the happiest moments, laced with a deep pain, like a toxic treat
that demands savouring but leaves me emotionally exhausted
a person can be grateful for what they have and still acknowledge the not so perfect reality that one lives in
I can be appreciative of the day to day blessings, soak in the experience
and still feel the breathtakingly massive feelings that comes from knowing my heart will always be split across the world
never quite whole again.
So if I choose snuggles with my girls over cleaning, it might not be because I am lazy
consider, perhaps, the imperfect reality
I am trying to hold on to something, someone, who loves me just in that simple moment
without the makeup, without the facade
someone to hold on to so I know that the entire world is not spinning topsy turvy
like the depth of emotions inside my soul
Bittersweet Blessings
Yes I know I am blessed. I thank God every day for my life. I would thank God everyday for my life even if I were living in a van down by the river (you get bonus points if you know what that is from). I feel so lucky to be here with the man I love and my two amazing girls. Wanting to work through the negative emotions associated with a big life change is a completely normal and valid thing to do. Our society seems to frown upon allowing people to work through their yucky stuff. Oh you are having a bad day, week, month? Can't show that. You have to give the illusion that you have your whole life together. Or you can't process the negative because you need to be only looking at the positive. I am all for being a positive person in life. In fact I have always said I find joy in the small things because chances are I am never going to win a big lottery or anything like that so finding a lost toy or my favorite song coming on the radio are huge celebrations for me. But I think we need to be okay with working through our stuff. And better yet we need to be okay with showing OTHER people that we are working through our stuff.
Just because I want to acknowledge the difficulties I have faced does not mean I am not grateful for the opportunities. I called my blog Joyful Contradictions for a reason. When we were getting ready to move over here and I would talk about it with people, the main reaction I got was "I am so jealous!" or "You are going to have so much fun! What an adventure!" or something along those lines. And yes, all those things are true. We have had fun and will continue to make the most of this amazing opportunity. But when I would start to discuss the stress of moving to another country, people would come back with "but you are so lucky!" or "it will all be worth it". And, again, all that is true. But you know what ELSE is true? That parts of moving to another country, or even just being a GROWN UP, can suck sometimes. Right? I totally miss snow days where I could sleep in and wake up to a yummy breakfast my parents had prepared for me. Filling out so many forms over and over and over is not my idea of fun. Trying to explain to your child that her friends can't just pop over for a play date is NOT fun. Watching your child cry because they can't talk to (insert far away friend or family member here) because there is an 8 hour time difference is NOT enjoyable. Trying not to fall apart in front of your kids while you comfort them is not easy. I am a firm believer in allowing your kids to see you cry but you also have to be there for them, to help them through whatever they are going through and I found that extremely difficult at times to balance both. Especially when my children and I were sharing the goodbyes, whether goodbyes of family members or goodbyes of friends. Many of Gabby's friends were children of my friends. Trying to guide her through the goodbye process while also confronting my own emotional anguish was difficult. I hope I did an okay job. I hope I am still doing an okay job. The crazy thing about parenting is a lot of the time we will have no idea how badly we screwed up until decades later. Yay for that guys!
So I have a bit of advice for anyone who knows someone going through a big life change, or a tough spot in the road. It is okay to remind them that it will get better. But I am sure they have already heard it. Something I doubt they have experienced? Someone that says "I can't imagine how tough this must be" or "that sucks" or "If you ever need to vent about the tough stuff, I am here". "I. AM. HERE."
Just because I want to acknowledge the difficulties I have faced does not mean I am not grateful for the opportunities. I called my blog Joyful Contradictions for a reason. When we were getting ready to move over here and I would talk about it with people, the main reaction I got was "I am so jealous!" or "You are going to have so much fun! What an adventure!" or something along those lines. And yes, all those things are true. We have had fun and will continue to make the most of this amazing opportunity. But when I would start to discuss the stress of moving to another country, people would come back with "but you are so lucky!" or "it will all be worth it". And, again, all that is true. But you know what ELSE is true? That parts of moving to another country, or even just being a GROWN UP, can suck sometimes. Right? I totally miss snow days where I could sleep in and wake up to a yummy breakfast my parents had prepared for me. Filling out so many forms over and over and over is not my idea of fun. Trying to explain to your child that her friends can't just pop over for a play date is NOT fun. Watching your child cry because they can't talk to (insert far away friend or family member here) because there is an 8 hour time difference is NOT enjoyable. Trying not to fall apart in front of your kids while you comfort them is not easy. I am a firm believer in allowing your kids to see you cry but you also have to be there for them, to help them through whatever they are going through and I found that extremely difficult at times to balance both. Especially when my children and I were sharing the goodbyes, whether goodbyes of family members or goodbyes of friends. Many of Gabby's friends were children of my friends. Trying to guide her through the goodbye process while also confronting my own emotional anguish was difficult. I hope I did an okay job. I hope I am still doing an okay job. The crazy thing about parenting is a lot of the time we will have no idea how badly we screwed up until decades later. Yay for that guys!
So I have a bit of advice for anyone who knows someone going through a big life change, or a tough spot in the road. It is okay to remind them that it will get better. But I am sure they have already heard it. Something I doubt they have experienced? Someone that says "I can't imagine how tough this must be" or "that sucks" or "If you ever need to vent about the tough stuff, I am here". "I. AM. HERE."
Random Expat Observation No. 6
Sometimes people greet you with an "you alright?" And they don't really mean for you to go into how you are doing.
I did not know this when I first started taking Gabby to school. A kind mom (or mum) said this to me and I started babbling on about my morning. She looked surprised at my verbal vomit. I am hopeful that my being an expat will give me a pass on the many times I will inevitably insert my foot in my mouth. I am just wondering if this pass has an expiration. If I have been here 5 years will they still take pity on me when I say or do the wrong thing.
I did not know this when I first started taking Gabby to school. A kind mom (or mum) said this to me and I started babbling on about my morning. She looked surprised at my verbal vomit. I am hopeful that my being an expat will give me a pass on the many times I will inevitably insert my foot in my mouth. I am just wondering if this pass has an expiration. If I have been here 5 years will they still take pity on me when I say or do the wrong thing.
Random Expat Observation No. 5
I often find the occasional feather or speck of dirt on my eggs. It also took a while to find them at the grocery store the first time we went shopping. They aren't in a refrigerated aisle.
Random Expat Observation No. 3
Another Rabdom Expat Observation:
Be jealous...
This is my garbage disposal. The 100% biodegradable bags smell like celery. Yes, celery has a smell.
Be jealous...
This is my garbage disposal. The 100% biodegradable bags smell like celery. Yes, celery has a smell.
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